I’ve rewatched the finale twice and I still don’t feel as if I ‘got’ it all, but here goes – in detail for the part I liked the best and quick resume for the rest!
In an opening eerily reminiscent of the ‘Michael Corleone revenge sequence’ in ‘The Godfather, we got to see all of the major players getting themselves tarted up for Cersei’s trial, Cersei herself sporting what appeared to be a ‘couture’ black leather dress, similar in style to the tunics worn by the late, great Tywin Lannister for formal occasions. With a skirt, of course, which he never wore!
Did anyone – honestly – think she was actually going to turn up at the Great Sept of Baelor?
The High Sparrow did, silly old chuffer, he was having a wonderful time to a packed house, conducting the warm up to his big moment with Cersei by humiliating and scarring poor Loras Tyrell in front of his helpless bleater of a father and smirky sister whose usual smirk seemed to have deserted her.
On being informed that Cersei hadn’t even left the Red Keep, the HS dispatched Lancel Lannister and a bunch of assorted thugs to fetch her and Tommen, unaware that Tommen had tried to leave earlier but found a Mountain in the guise of Ser Gregor Clegane blocking his path.
In the meantime, just to give us a flavour of what was to come, that bumbling ancient the Grand Maester foolishly followed one of Qyber’s ‘little birds’ deep into the dark tunnels under King’s Landing on the premise that he was answering a summons from the King! Eh? He’s supposed to be a wise man, isn’t he? Didn’t he know Qyber was after his gig? I think it might have dawned on him when a flock of ‘little birds’, watched by a smiling Qyber, perforated him with daggers!
Flash to Lancel Lannister who had abandoned his fellow thugs and also followed a ‘little bird’, being stabbed in the back by said bird, and realising with dawning horror that he was in a tunnel packed to the gunnels with wildfire, currently held at bay by three small candles! Did he crawl, rapidly, away from the candles and try to summon help, warn everyone? Did he heck as like – he crawled (slowly) toward the candles!
Back at the Sept, the High Sparrow sat smiling smugly, but Queen Margaery was starting to suspect that her latest scheme had misfired – grabbing her father and brother, she tried to leave, but the way was barred by Sparrows.
Then, as Cersei Lannister sipped a glass of wine and gazed out from the Red Keep to the Great Sept, the Sept went up as if a greenfire nuclear bomb had exploded under it! It was MEGA – although I did feel a bit sorry for poor Loras!
And now on at a rush – Septa Unella might be regretting being such a bitch to Cersei while she was a prisoner – Shame, shame, shame!
Tommen the Dim, having gazed wordlessly at the devastation which had consumed his wife, took off his crown and leapt out of a window – at least he didn’t take Ser Pounce, his cat, with him!
I won’t miss him much and neither will Cersei, apparently.
Jaime Lannister didn’t seem to enjoy the Lannister/Frey victory party – I think it was old Walder referring to them as ‘two Kingslayers together’ that set the final seal to his annoyance! It’s no good pouting and looking reflective like that Jaime, I decided weeks ago that Brienne is too good for you, so you may as well stay on your path of evil.
Meanwhile, at Winterfell, Sansa the Untrustworthy made her peace with Jon Snow (?Stark?Targaryan) the Gullible, Petyr Baelish tried it on with her in the Godswood, and Davos – at last – got to shout the odds at that evil cow Melisandre re: the burning of dear little Shireen!
He was wasting his time requesting permission to execute her from Jon – he couldn’t decide between a Twix and a Mars Bar – so she was banished instead! Garrrgggghhh!
There was also some yawn time in Meereen, apart from poor Tyrion who hasn’t had much to work with this season, but still emerges from any scene he graces as a major player.
Speaking of major players, the matchless Olenna (Dame Diana Rigg) ate the Sand Snakes alive and spat out the bits – thus saving us the tedium of listening to their banal backchat - she is superb!
Another favourite – dear Samwell – finally got to Oldtown on his journey to become a Maester – and was promptly greeted at the reception desk by what appeared to be a distant ancestor of Basil Fawlty! I have to admit my love for him faltered when he entered the great library and his face took on that same rapt expression affected by my husband when confronted by millions of books!
Yet another favourite, sweet little Arya, seems to have crossed into Harry Potter territory and mastered the art of Apparating – she turned up, wearing someone else’s face, at the embers of the Frey victory feast, fed old Walder two of his sons baked in a pie, whipped off the false face and cut his throat! Hooray! Go Arya! Take that for the Red Wedding, you old stoat!
Am I nearly finished yet – I said there was tons of stuff, didn’t I?
Nearly done – Uncle Benjen dropped Bran and Meera off in what seemed a snowy wasteland and exited stage left, muttering something about not being able to cross the Wall! Erm – okay – how is Meera supposed to drag Bran the rest of the way?
Oh, who cares – finally we get another vision of what went on in the Tower of Joy! Lyanna Stark lay in a blood filled bed after what was obviously an emergency C-section carried out by a carpenter. Dying, she begged Ned not to tell Robert, who ‘would kill him if he knew’ and he was passed a very pouty looking baby to bring up as his own, thus incurring the wrath of Lady Stark who seemed to never have forgiven him for being unfaithful!
Heavens above – not only might Jon be a half Stark, half Targaryan, we now know that he was born looking disgruntled!
Segue from pouty baby to pouty Jon and another great scene at Winterfell, featuring everyone’s favourite feisty kid – the wonderful Lady Mormont – who tore a strip off the supposed Stark allies who didn’t turn up for the Bolton party and pronounced Jon Snow (or whoever he is) the King in the North! The others all cravenly followed suit, Sansa’s smile became rather fixed, and she exchanged glances with the fell Petyr Baelish!
Back to King's Landing and to nobody's surprise, Cersei is being crowned Queen with a sparkly new crown, watched by her brother Jaime who appeared to be wondering what he ever saw in her - serves you right, mate!
Finally, we saw Barbie the Unburnt’s armada sailing for Westeros accompanied by all three dragons – at last – after five effing seasons, the silly tart is finally setting off!
And now – sob – our Watch is ended – well – until next season!