To nobody’s surprise, the episode opened with Bron bursting, gasping, to the surface of the Blackwater, dragging the seemingly indestructible Jaime behind him! How sad to think that once I would have really cared, but all I felt was that I was glad Bron was still with us!
As they lay, choking and coughing and exchanging insults on the riverbank, Barbie the Unburnt, backed by a truly magnificent view of Drogon standing on a hill and extending his wings, was yet again tediously reiterating her new favourite phrase – ‘Bend the knee’!
I’m starting to wish somebody would bend her neck back far enough to shut her up permanently, but apparently the show producers now seem to assume that everyone she meets falls in love with her – erm – see that woman waving, D&D? That’s me – and B the U gets on my last nerve, even when Drogon or the other two dragons are in attendance!
She’s so dim and up herself, she doesn’t seem to realise that it’s Drogon the poor souls are ‘bending the knee’ to – hardly anyone in the defeated army knelt until he roared!
Randyll Tarly didn’t fall in love with her, and the silly, stiff-necked old fool, while apparently quite happy to collude in the murder of his liege lady, Olenna, Queen of Thorns, didn’t have the sense to feign surrender to Barbie and left her little choice but to incinerate him and his well-named son Dickon.
Sam’s going to be ever so pleased when he finds out – good thing he nicked the family Valeryian sword when he did, he’s going to need it when he’s Lord of Horn Hill! Teehee!
Tyrion looked a bit sad and morose as he roamed the battlefield, and appeared to be wondering if he’s backed the wrong horse, or dragon as the case may be, and ended up serving a Queen at least as mad as Cersei.
Why hush my mouth, what have I said – Barbie’s just wonderful!
Nothing’s changed back at Winterfell, apart from Bran wearing the white contact lenses and sending a bunch of ravens to check on the progress of the Army of the Dead, prior to instructing the Maester to send out ravens to every lord and ruler in every Kingdom – and there are still a few of them, although their numbers are diminishing rapidly – requesting help! Is it just me, or is he getting closer and closer to that weirwood tree?
Still in Winterfell, I’m currently finding former favourite Arya just as annoying as Sansa, and that’s pretty annoying – still, they never did get on and I don’t think Arya’s wrong about Sansa wanting to be Queen, she’s already nabbed the best bedroom in the place and didn’t depress the pretensions of the Northern Lords who are all fed up with hanging around the place and starting to suggest that they chose the wrong ruler.
Off go the ravens - more of them later …
Meanwhile, back in King’s Landing – Jaime’s home, still grimy and covered in river silt, Cersei is totally unimpressed by the fact that her army has been virtually destroyed and already speaking brightly of buying another one. Yeah, right – I’m sure thousands of sellswords will be lining up to risk being cremated by dragons!
She also has wonderful news for her poor fool of a brother – there’s going to be a new little lion in the den! Isn’t she, in the times depicted, a bit old for that – it’ll either kill her in childbirth or turn out to be something growing which isn’t a baby at all, and might prove far more nasty even than Joffrey!
As the ravens wing their way to all corners of Westeros, Drogon, fresh from toasting Tarlys, comes sailing home and, on spotting Jon (Snow/Stark/Targaryan) swoops down for a better look and seems smitten, even allowing the King in the North to pat and caress his muzzle, and giving little chirps, clicks and purrs of pleasure – the dragon, Linda, not Jon!
I just watched ‘Thronecast’ on which some simpleton of a woman thought that Drogon had a sort of sexual thrill during the experience – gods, old and new, help us – wasn’t the dragon just recognising Jon’s Targaryan blood smell?
Anyway, in quick succession, the Dragonstone raven arrived, Jon instantly decided to go North to fight with the men he had, but was forestalled by Tyrion, who, returning from a somewhat disappointing reunion with Jaime during a sneak visit to King’s Landing, hatched his most ridiculous ‘cunning’ plan yet, i.e. capturing a White Walker and taking it to be seen by Cersei!
Did everyone burst out laughing at the very idea! Did they heck as like, off Jon sped with poor Ser Davos (wonderful actor) who, having smuggled himself and Tyrion in to King’s Landing. had managed to find the long missing Gendry and persuade him to return to be the Winterfell blacksmith.
Snatching up his Warhammer (just like his late Daddy’s) , Gendry poured scorn on that idea and proved his worth as a fighter by smashing the two guards who tried to arrest Tyrion, who was returning to be smuggled away after his meeting with Jaime, to a pulp.
Ser Jorah (yawn) had also turned up on Dragonstone, still clearly worshipping Barbie the U, who clearly loves him so much in return that she smirked proudly when he announced that he’d go off on the Great White Walker Hunt with Jon, Ser Davos and Gendry Baratheon (as he now calls himself)!
Off they all whooshed to Eastwatch with a speed that quite makes one long for the days (months/years?) spent meandering through the desert with the Dothraki, wandering through the frozen wastes beyond the Wall with Jon, Sam and the Wildlings and boring around Bravos in the House of Black and White.
This ‘little ‘ review is getting way, way too long – in other news, Sam has finally had enough of the doddering old academics and left the Citadel in such a bate that he failed to hear the vital piece of news Gilly found in her own readings, news which seems to prove that Jon Snow is no Targaryan bastard, but the legitimate son of Crown Prince Rhaegar and Lady Lyanna, making him the true heir to the Iron Throne.
At Winterfell, Arya is spying on Littlefinger Baelish who is spying on her – I’m bliddy sick of the whole troupe of them, and I never thought I’d say that about Arya!
The characters I’m not
sick of – Jon, Davos, Gendry, the Hound, Tormund, Beric Dondarion, Thoros of Meer and Ser Jorah, have all set off on a doomed quest to capture a White Walker – and I know in me water that some of them, probably my favourites, won’t be coming back! (sob) unless Drogon follows his new friend and incinerates a few thousand of the Army of the Dead!
Phew - that’s it for now - can I just – briefly - say that I find it difficult to believe that a series so popular and so well loved world-wide couldn’t manage to generate a budget large enough to run to 10 or even 12 episodes this season and the same amount for next to spare us the breakneck speed – which I think most people who review, professionals and amateurs alike, have bemoaned all season, and which is becoming intensely annoying.