That was an episode and a half, and it was bliddy good stuff – mostly!
We began our watch in Dragonstone where that ‘Ruthless Dictator Barbie’ outfit seems to have gone to B the Unburnt’s head – she, who has never actually fought a war in Westeros, was striding around being regal and tersely interrogating Varys who has done more for the Targaryan cause than anyone, and condescendingly disagreeing with Yara Greyjoy, Ellaria Sand and Olenna Tyrell that the best time to strike King’s Landing is right now.
Instantly switching from her new ‘fierce’ face to her default expression – smug - she also sent an order to Jon Snow (Stark, Targaryan), commanding him to hie to Dragonstone to ‘bend the knee to his Queen’ – if he does that, I’ll never forgive him! If I were him, I’d have sent the increasingly lippy Sansa as an envoy in the faint hope that the two of them will kill each other.
Meanwhile, Cersei, who has adopted Joffrey’s hairstyle – not a good look, dear, grow your hair or get extensions - as well as usurping the throne, was also condescendingly addressing quite a small number of liege lords.
Randall Tarly – you remember him - Sam’s horrible father – didn’t really seem that impressed, despite Jaime following him out of the meeting and trying to seek his assurance that he and his army would turn out for the Lannisters as requested. I entertain a faint hope that old Randall will decide to throw his lot – and his men – in with Lady Olenna, but you never know with Tarlys, do you?
Speaking of Tarlys, after last week’s revolting debacle featuring Samwell Tarly the would-be Maester, and with memories of bedpans and yucky brown soup flashing through my mind, I wisely decided to eat my breakfast before watching! I’m so glad it was cereal and not toast and porridge!
I thought he’d have left his nickname - Sam the Slayer - behind him at Castle Black, but he may as well hang on to it for now because it’ll be a miracle if poor Ser Jorah Mormont survives after having every black, crunchy, grey pus-filled scale carved from his upper body by our Sam, who’d read how to cure it ‘in a book’!
I’m sure the producers laughed themselves silly imagining the reactions of viewers when they witnessed the scene morphing from Sam cracking and slicing crunchy, pus-filled greyscale to someone in an inn cracking a crunchy, gravy-filled pie crust – I didn’t laugh, lads, I balked and the Hubba turned ashen.
Never mind – the worst was over for now – and Arya was at the inn, sans pie at that point, but on the verge of a free pie and a sweet reunion with Hot Pie, her fellow prisoner way back in Season 3. Fortunately for us, he gave her the news about the demise of the Boltons and Jon being King in the North, so instead of sallying forth to kill Cersei, she decided to go North to Winterfell! Hooray! I hope she’ll kill Sourpuss Sansa when she gets there!
On the way, she had a bittersweet reunion with Nymeria, her beautiful direwolf – Arya wanted them to stay together, Nymeria preferred to stay with her pack – I cried – then laughed through the tears when the Hubba said, “What did you expect? She’s not Lassie!”
Hmm – this is getting lengthy, even for me, so let’s do a quick summary – Qyber has built an immense trebuchet, killing dragons for the use of – all he and Cersei need now is Bard the Bowman – oops – wrong story! If I were Christopher Tolkien, I’d be contacting lawyers!
That bliddy Melisandre has turned up in Dragonstone like a bad penny – I hope she proves to be as lucky for Barbie the U as she did for Stannis Baratheon.
Missandei and Grey Worm rolled about a bit together naked – she seemed to have a good time, I don’t know about him. She did prove one point though – the new dresses, although they look substantial, are, like the old dresses, secured only by one small ribbon!
The Northern Lords – even little Lady Mormont - don’t seem thrilled about Jon deciding to go off visiting to Dragonstone, which he now feels he has to do as Sam – yes, him again – has sent a message by raven to inform him that the place is practically made of dragonglass.
Clearly proving he still ‘knows nothing’, he has left ol’ Sourpuss Sansa in charge, assuaging his doubts by making a fair attempt at throttling Littlefinger Baelish before he left!
Has Baelish got a titanium neck – Ned Stark tried and failed to throttle him too!
And finally, as Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand prepared to enliven their voyage to Dorne with a little girl on girl action, who should come surging out of the night in his massive ship but Captain Hook – erm, I mean the Pirate King – no, no – strike that – Urine Greyjoy!
Dear gods, old and new, the ham is sliced thickly in this one – he’s pure pantomime! Despite the slashing and the blood and the yelling and screaming which ensued, the Hubba cracked me up by saying “He’s behind you!” at every opportunity.
Sorry – I’m afraid he hasn’t convinced me as a villain – Ramsay Bolton in his cold, manipulative cruelty was a villain – Joffrey Baratheon as a sadistic child who held the power to torture anyone and everyone who crossed him was a villain. Urine Greyjoy just comes across - so far – as a cackling, eye-rolling, homicidal but comical fool.
Needless to say, he won, killing two Sand Snakes (thanks for that, mate), slaughtered the opposing sailors and wrecked Yara’s fleet, taking Yara herself prisoner. Faced with fighting his uncle to save his sister, Theon, the poster boy for cowardice, leapt overboard and was last seen floating along, grasping a spar.
Perhaps he’ll meet Gendry, still rowing his boat?
And that’s all folks – my watch is over for now – and despite the gentle mockery, I still love it so much I can’t wait for next week!