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Old 21-05-2019, 03:52 PM
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Lucia Lucia is offline
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And finally, our watch is over - erm - well it is for some of us, for others their watch has just recommenced! Puzzled - read on ...

After 8 series and 73 episodes, I'm left with these overall impressions:-

Barbie the Unburnt has the acting skills of a muffin.

Jon Snow is the biggest eejit on the planet - a fact pointed out in Season 2 by Ygritte when she told him, "You know nothing Jon Snow!"

Even a worm will turn and in the last two episodes Mr Greyworm Bean has assumed an importance diametrically opposed to his seven seasons spent as a mere spear carrier.

A Small Council comprising a smuggler, a sellsword, an unqualified Grand Maester and a heartbroken lady knight will, even with the undoubted skills of Tyrion the last Lannister, never prosper.

Let's start at the very beginning - first of all, Arya's mad gallop on the pale horse signified - nothing at all. The episode opened with Tyrion walking through a mass of ash and burned bodies until he bumped into Jon Snow who was wearing his trademark just-smacked-on-the-head-with-a sandbag- expression.

The presence of Jon, Tyrion and Arya did little to quell the zeal of Greyworm Bean who, despite their muted protests, was happily slashing the throats of the soldiers who had surrendered. His excuse was that they were enemies of his queen, bliddy crazy Barbie.

Sighing deeply, Tyrion trudged on, scaling mountains of rubble and moving a few bricks until he found the bodies of his brother and sister, still locked in each other's arms. He's such a great actor, he brought a tear to my eye.

Meanwhile, back at the ruins of King's Landing, Barbie and Drogon made a dramatic appearance and she made a speech uneasily reminscent of one of Hitler's at a Nuremburg rally to the hundreds of thousands of Unsullied and Dothraki lined up before her. Eh - hundreds of thousands - where the f--k did they come from? I thought they were mostly decimated at Winterfell - perhaps those responsible for this morass of lunacy had forgotten that!

Crashing on, Tyrion, sickened, resigned as her Hand and threw his little badge of office away, then was dragged off accused of treason. Arya told Jon Snow to watch himself, that Barbie was clearly barmy and intent on torching all of Westeros and as the real heir to the Iron Throne, she'd probably torch him first. He assumed a pained expression, the sort you get when you can't remember if you left the gas on or not and stared after Barbie as she swanned off in search of the Iron Throne.

He visited Tyrion - under sentence of death as per - and Tyrion told him the same thing, adding that she'd kill everyone in Westeros to get her own way and that she had to be stopped and only he could do it. Jon looked vaguely constipated and wandered off.

Meanwhile, Barbie had found the Iron Throne - still miraculously intact - she sat on it, giving us the trademark smirk, then Jon appeared and tried to reason with her and she more or less told him what Ygritte had said so many seasons ago. Assuring her that he'd love her forever, he knifed her - hooray, huzzah, finally - and she fell down dead, make up and hair intact, no change of expression.

He stood there like a fool, then Drogon, waking from a well-deserved nap, appeared. He's a clever creature that dragon, first he incinerated the Iron Throne to molten metal, then picked up Barbie's body and flew slowly off, clearly thinking, "My work here is done - you're in the clear, mate, and I have snack for the journey. Now for some real dragon-ing!"

Now - if I'd been Jon Snow I'd have been grateful to Drogon for having the sense to remove the evidence and burst out of the Throne Room, waving furiously at the departing dragon and shouting 'Dany - Dany - come back - don't leave us!' Then I'd have (brokenly) told all and sundry that she was so distraught by what she'd done, she'd taken off on Drogon and would never return, but that if the Unsullied and Dothraki wanted to meet up with her again, they could find her somewhere beyond the Eastern Sea.

Not him - there's too much Ned Stark in that boy - presumably he confessed and was arrested - we'll never know because the next scene appeared to be in Springtime with much of King's Landing well on its way to being repaired.

The Lords and Ladies of Westeros were seated in a circle to 'try' Tyrion and Jon Snow for treason. How did that happen - did they just fancy a trip to King's Landing and all turn up at the same time?

Anyway, they were all present and correct and Greyworm Bean (what - him again) was presenting the evidence according to him - agains Tyrion, thankfully not executed off camera. I think even the pair of numpties who wrote this rubbish realised that to kill off the best actor would leave them floating up the river of excrement with no available aid to propulsion.

As always, Tyrion was exceptional - and apart from a somewhat comic turn from Edmure Tully (Who?) trying to claim the throne and Samwell Tarly causing much laughter in the ranks of the nobles present by suggesting a democracy, the long afternoon wore on.

I'd scarcely turned to the hubba and said, "Thank the gods old and new for Tyrion' when I had to eat my words when he suggested bliddy Bran the Boring, first of his name, Noted Personality-free Zone as the new king of Westeros.

Did everyone fall around laughing - no - they actually agreed with him, apart from Sansa who nipped in quickly and said that the North should be a separate kingdom. Hmmm - I wonder who she thinks should rule it, grasshoppers?

Thwarted, Greyworm Bean insisted that Jon Snow be executed instead - but King Bran the Broken, in a decision which made me roll my eyes so violently, I feared for a moment they would remain raised forever, decided to condemn Jon to - a lifetime in the Night Watch!

He's supposed to know everything, the old Branipedia - how does he not know there is no bliddy Night Watch left!

Oh, who cares - Brienne lovingly wrote up Jaime's adventures in the White Book, Arya sailed off into the West - hmmm - she might meet some Elves and Bilbo and Frodo - Pod's a knight now - Sansa got what she's been wanting since Episode 1, Season 1 and was crowned Queen in the North - and the fool Jon Snow who might as well have stayed where he was all along, went back to Castle Black.

Ah well, at least Thormund was there and dear little Ghost who finally got the hugs and cuddles he deserved - he'd lost a lug in the battle, poor baba, and perhaps the Night Watch is the best place for Jon Snow/Aegon Targaryan - he can be as miserable as he likes there and nobody will care while they have Thormund to laugh with!

Phew - and that's it - our watch is over - thanks to Andrea, Linda and Ange for your comments - and thanks to the hundreds of search engines which have made this thread so massive!
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Last edited by Lucia : 22-05-2019 at 12:25 AM.
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